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Hare - Thermal Dick

Dateline: Monday 11th March, 2013. Agent 00069, aka "Hopeless" receives a message from "I" (hareraiser extraordinaire of Little Sai Wan Hash, IndyAnus).

"That Irish Provocateur, Frank 'Silver Top' Pilkington has been on nearly 400 LSW hashes and only hared once. Secure Silver Top's acquiescence to set the Post-Paddy's Day Run by whatever means possible. I authorise you to use Waterboarding with Guinness, force feeding of boxty, champ, coddle, colcannon, and farl. As a last resort offer him Crubeens (pig's feet), but only the Shanghai River marinades ones!

Agent 00069 relishes difficult tasks like this and others such as extracting Hash Cash from the dastardly 'Bob Le Deek' or getting the sex bomb "Catcho Of The Dayo" to set a good trail…..

So the scene was set for Agent 00069 to penetrate the clan of Little Sai Wan to find such national icons, heroes, nay, hashers. Instructions included "design your own T-shirt", obviously a cunning ploy of disguise to infiltrate the band of misfits gathering in the shadow of Ngong Ping 360. Files show no logical reason why it is called 360 as the thing runs up and down the same static line, but never let the truth get in the way of marketing…..

I quickly spotted one of the key protagonists of this group because he was brash and confident in his outstanding disguise. A bright red shirt initially drew my attention, but there, incredibly, hanging by threads were…. small socks! "My God!", I thought", "this club includes child killers, taking socks as souvenirs, unless…" quick glance to the man's feet….' "Yes! He has small socks!" But this conclusion was somewhat undermined by the fact, on the back of the shirt there was, in silver, a Hello Kitty!

Chief Clansman, "Thermal Dick" was presiding over his flock, writing strange (and obviously secret) messages on the concrete by the benches. "Hmmm, some special code" I thought, "and clever, written in blue chalk, which you can't see at night"….. but I could not find anyone wearing special UV or "night vision goggles". Curious, indeed, Machiavellian tactics from the man also known as "Mr. Spandex Legs".

The mob were finally unleashed at 19:15 with seasoned mobsters alongside new and visiting anthropoids. These "hashers" then switched on their special gadgets that could read the trail markings, obviously this club had its own "Q", a technical wizard. These gadgets were housed in a charade called a "torch" but I knew better - this organisation were far more advanced than The Ministry Of Hopeless. Damn!

Being both a cunning linguist and a triple 69 expert (hence the 00069 tag), I soldiered on, Small Sock, "Rory" (wearing some secret leg extensions so he could tower over the crowds), Gobi Lo and an ageing rock star called "Gary Glitter" leading the pack around the streets of Tung Chung until we crossed a road and headed left onto a hill. Here I could smell Irish sweat, nervous, tense as a string on a Fylde Cittern. "Saint Pat" had turned right at the Check, and I bore down, ready to pounce before…… damn again! "Tee" he said, as I faced him, my garrote wire drawn ready to persuade the Irish basterd to hare a run.

"Next time potato head" I thought…. Then a thought struck me. "No silver top", wrong damn Irishman, so my search must continue. That it did too, off the shiggy, past Felicity Shagwell (agent F3M), Fook Mi (aka COTD), Vanessa Kensington (aka Caroline Ridley), Nigel Powers (aka Rory), Foxxy Cleopatra (aka Gobi Lo), Mrs. Kensington (aka Park n Shop),. Alotta Fagina (aka Shiggy Ga Ga), and Random Task (aka Rushi). Not many men in this group, and certainly no wily silver haired fox……

Then panic set in. SH*T! We were outside a police station! The unruly group spread to the four winds trying to find a safe passage out and away from the noses of the rozzers. Felicity and the rock star were heard to call from across the highway, "quick, come into our bush(es)"…. Or something like that……

Another left turn, a UW/W/R marking in that special blue chalk, and then a cut into a village and riverbed terrain….. not having my special UV light I failed to see the Wimp/Rambo split further on, but followed where the lights were going, tucking in behind Bob Le Deek as I figured those shorts he was wearing must be made from special shiggy-resistant material as they cleverly looked like shorts he had bought at university in 1964, the year of the Tokyo Olympics. Indeed, we were on the Rambo trail, Silver Top must be close….

Some drains, some more shiggy, and eventually we popped out onto a concrete road, and a long sprint downhill and into a village before finally popping out at the old Tung Chung Fort, built in 1832 and referred to in the Qing Dynasty as the Tung Chung Suocheng (Tung Chung Battalion), the naval headquarters of the Right Battalion of Dapeng.

Here I'd managed to catch up with the likes of Small Sock, Foxxy and Random Task. Still no sign of my pearly Irish target. Here I knew the area, having set the LSWH3 1,100th run here on the 29th August, 1998, I thought it would give me the upper hand.

Not to be, as even though I bore down and past Basil Exposition (aka Parky) and Mrs. Kensington, that tiny sock person, Nigel Powers, and an unclassified agent (Comes Up The Rear) shot past me on the way into the final village. "Too much bl00dy concrete" bemoaned Foxxy, sprinting on those light twinkle toes as she went on to finish the task ahead of the rest of the group.

My final kilometer jog home was a little unnerving as some old hippie also known as "Number 2" tracked me into the final hill and a return to the clan gathering point. All was not lost though, for finally my target arrived not more than 10 minutes after I had got back.

For news on how my mission with Silver Top progressed, check out next week's exciting episode of "LSW Hash News" !

23 of the 35 clanspeople descended on the nearby pub to enjoy some of Indian's finest curry buffet and Tiger beer.

Down Downs courtesy of Hopeless:

The hare - trail

Recycled run? Cuntractor and Legally Blonde - the WH3 hares, same spot 3 weeks ago

Forgot the hash list - Hopeless

The weather - Gary Glitter as stand in Religious Advisor

The Virgin Mary - a one week campaign to get her to attend the hash and then she complains

Early birds and visitors roped into beer carrying - Beryl and Anthony

All newbies and visitors introduce yourselves - Rory, Edward, Anthony, Beryl and Catherine

Late - Just Add Alcohol

Shirt swapping - for trail and after - Caroline Ridley and others - F3M

Thermal Dick - where was the R/W split? Couldn't see it as marked in blue chalk

Best homemade shirt award - Small Sock

Best underwear award - Catch Of The Day

All shirt efforts - F3M, Hopeless, Thermal and Small Sock

Cheating shirt maker Thermal Dick - printing own shirt instead of hand written

Nonrunners - Legally Blonde and Motormouth and Bearass

Last in - Lost In Space

"Small Glove" instead of "Small Sock" - Ruggero - "it's close" he replies

All Socks up - Old Sock and Small Sock

Come In My Tunnel - Denvy favourite - Asahi mega can

Rory - sent on his first hash by Denvy - without a torch

Frank The Plank - next week's St. Pats hare but hates Irish food so no Delaney's next week

Talking of pigs - 6,000 pigs thrown in the river and the Chinese still couldn't get Motormouth in there (OK, I was scrambling to get a DD on Maggie, sorry about that!)

On animals - Octopussy - Legally Blonde thought she was Octopussy because she was hairy - anyone know anywhere for a good bikini waxing?

Food - Bobbledick bustles to the front and empties trough one

The Parkys - comparing bra cup sizes between them

Job hunting on the hash - Parky

Frank The Plank - "Hopeless you said you'd do everything, including the write up!"

RMB money launderer via Hopeless - Wanchaiwanker

WW - to Park n Shop - fantasizing in the toilet together

F3M to Small Sock - sock envy

Hare - good run and food - well done!

The hare sang the song along with Bobbledick, the socks and Gary Glitter.