"Hardly anybody calls us Mark. It's usually Rents, or worse, the Rent Boy. That is f*ckin awful, getting called that. Ah try not tae show that it bugs us, because that only encourages c*nts mair."
"F*CK OFF GOBI DESERT FANNY!"
I've made no secret of the fact that the last run Gobi Lo Ho set, up in Cheung Sha Wan (back when she was just a wee hariette known as Denver Ho), has been my favorite LSW to date. Thus, for once in my hashing career, I made it a point to show up early to 1788, with breathless anticipation that my expectations would only be slightly disappointed.
That said, it is well known that her co-hare Octopussy is a corrupting influence among the hash. Not on runs, persay: her last hare on the Wanchai Hash must have been notably fantastic, considering it re-used all the best parts of that week's LSW1776 America Run, set by myself and Freewheel. However, it was her guiding voice that made Cheesy Flying Fux a cross-dresser for Mr. Wanchai Pacific. If the run was not a clusterf*ck, I was deeply worried about what sort of deviant sexuality Gobi Lo Ho might adopt after tonight.
So, after trudging along the half click from the Lam Tin MTR to the start, I dressed down and readied myself for a 13km Super Rambos over Black Hill and Kowloon Peak. Ominously, the clouds turned from a pleasant rainbow (the first that many of us had ever seen in Hong Kong) to a light sprinkle, calling rain down from the heavens to crap all over the markings. In preparation, Gobi Lo Ho only turned up at five after, having remarked some of the trail. This did not deter Crash Test Dummy from drawing a conspicuous raincloud with lightning bolts next to the pre-run chalk briefings. Still, the pack was sent off with haste at 7:08 (8 minutes late, or, according to Bobbledick and Indyanus, 2 minutes early).
Fortunately for the aforementioned two, the first few checks stopped up the pack long enough in downtown Lam Tin that they caught up just in time for the front runners the other half of the pack. Inflatodate, Macao Drunk and Kuntshy fretted nervously at the checks as the trail made its way into the hills, swearing at the second group for not marking the trail, despite being a solid five minutes behind them. As they joined up with the paved countryside trail, they managed to continue to hold a lead past the first SR/R-W trail, despite heading straight up the shiggy on six checks that obviously headed up but actually stayed straight. Crash Test Dummy provided more than a fair share of amusement with some Hopeless-quality dummy spitting, eventually resulting in a frustrated shortcut at a most appendix-like 100 meter section of trail that miraculously avoided mention in the circle.
After faffing around for a bit the trail finally shot upwards up the mountain, where it rejoined the Wimps, with a Don Juan Triumphant Freewheel leading. Slight confusion resulted at the rejoin, with some suspecting they missed a turn off for the Super Rambos (or, for Frank the Plank, a Short Rambos) option. A beautiful ridgeline run continued on until a sharp rightward turn off into the shiggy for the Super Rambos.
The following portion of the write-up is dedicated to Crash Test Dummy, Dr. Evil, and Inflatodate, who managed to bypass the large "SR" arrow and took the real "Short Rambos".
A half kilometer shiggy downhill was led by Come in mein Tunnel, with Catch of the Day, Kuntshy, and Chatroom Pedophile hot pursuit. The checks were scuffed off in various directions, leading Chatroom Pedophile to hypothesize that they weren't so much marked as Come in mein Tunnel had dragged his python-sized dick across them while passing them. If that sounds disturbing and vaguely creepy, join the club. Regardless, the three caught up with der Deutsche Hosenschlange at the check at the bottom, where Kuntshy headed directly left and led the Super Rambos on up to the rejoin, and past Randy Von Fokker. A branch briefly impeded the pack on the way down, marked with "Watch Your Head", although this advice was only really relevant to Shawty Sex Toy, and the FRB was across the line just before 90 minutes had passed. The rest of the pack, minus the later named - Comes Up the Rear, was in no more than 25 minutes later.
After a brief and beautiful flirtation with Asahi and Tsingtao, the pack wandered on to the bash, where food was served quickly and hot, thanks to Octopussy's foresight to order ahead. One must congratulate the hares for 10HKD beers and a 60HKD food fee. A particularly notable circle followed, with both house-warming and goodbyes to the Morocco-bound Catch of the Day, age competitions between the two oldest hashers outside of BOF, more mistakes than my last exam, and finally the naming of No Name Chris to Comes Up the Rear, involving Any Dick'll Do enthusiastically mounting him and vigorously ejaculating Kingway beer, which may taste worse than semen but at least washes off easily.
All in all, a brilliantly clever and perfectly marked run, Japanese beer, a quality bash with cheap and even occasionally vegetarian food, and a memorable circle. What more could you ask for?
The Down Downs as follows:
The Hares - A perfect run with no complaints, with both parts perhaps owing to Hopeless's absence
Macao Drunk - Chiming in the the Wimps was harder than Piss Perfect's first run
The Hares - Octopussy laid the Wimps (trail), with Gobi Lo Ho laying everything else
Freewheel - The wimps trail was... wimpy
Toilet Spray - For pairing her sexy get-up with some sexy trainers
Gobi Lo Ho - For her "Singaporean" markings (aka, they weren't sh*te)
Crash Test Dummy, Inflatodate, Macao Drunk - For whinging about the pack behind them not marking the checks
Wanchai Wanker - "Shut the f*ck up" (note: this was given about 7 times during the circle)
Bobbledick - "The hash should start at 10 past 7, not 8 past seven!"
Octopussy - For not knowing who founded the Prison Colony in 1788
Shawty Sex Toy - For guessing "The Queen" did
Frank the Plank, Macao Drunk - For viciously avoiding the back half of the pack at the beginning
Inflatodate, Kuntshy - For actually marking the checks
Kuntshy - For making the obvious "Shishkabob" joke after Inflatodate's comment (...you had to be there?)
Any Dick'll Do - After having been asked if his bitch did OK on the run, Latex Lover replied "Which bitch?"
Crash Test Dummy, Wanchai Wanker, Dr. Evil, Inflatodate - For missing the SR/R split
Frank the Plank - For thinking SR meant "Short Rambos"
Mei Not Come - For asking where "Super Rambo" trails came from
Hares - For... something.
Mei Not Come - To Indy: "When did you pass me?" (Good question)
Gobi Lo Ho - Dubiously asking Indy, "You did the Super Rambos?"
Shawty Sex Toy, Come in mein Tunnel - For cavorting in the corner
Gobi Lo Ho, Catch of the Day - For writing and providing material for a fantastic newsletter
Kuntshy - Actually likes writing the newsletters (all Christ-knows-how-many-pages of them)
Mei Not Come, Hares - The run was not 9.5km, just 7km on short?
Ashhole - "Where's Frank the Plank? I have a DD for him", with FtP right next to him
Frank the Plank - Ran through a check that a car was parked over?
Freewheel - Deaf to requests to set a run (One should give him DDs every week he doesn't sign up - it works)
Kuntshy - For getting him to at least recce a run
Inflatodate - For having Yummy Mummy as a non-running Designated Driver (the other DD)
Hares - Apparently, the hares are now officially non-runners
Shawty Sex Toy - For being *gasp* polite on the hash
Crash Test Dummy - "Oh, I'm setting a run with SST", without her knowledge
Toilet Spray - For being busy on a LSW night and not setting said run with SST
Dr. Evil - For always setting a when asked
Kuntshy - For setting the next (and his final) hare
Bobbledick - "He should set it from his university", all the way out in the HK boondocks
Comes Up the Rear - Finally arrived
Bobbledick - For wearing a 1991 hash shirt
Kuntshy - For having just had his first birthday when that shirt was issued
Frank the Plank - "Bobbledick is not the oldest hasher here!"
Crash Test Dummy - For ditching Keith's boring Wednesday night runs for LSW
Gobi Lo Ho - For, um, something
Kuntshy - For not giving DDs
Wanchai Wanker - To SST, Come in mein Tunnel: "Watch your head!" Inflatodate - to Crash Test Dummy: "I missed the split because of you!" Kuntshy - Some boring crap not worth recording
Indy DDs Catch of the Day - For leaving to Morocco the next morn Wanchai Wanker - "I can't set a run soon, I'm doing the 1800 with Hopeless!"
And finally, Chris No Name was memorably named Comes Up the Rear, out of possible choices "Comes in the End", "Rearcomer", "Food Arrow", "Last In", "Octo's Pussy", and several others. Not entirely satisfied with his name (ensuring it's survival), he remarked, "I'm counting on Hong Kong being a place where one can...re-invent themselves".
And on that thought, since I've made this long enough that no one's actually reading it anymore, a short little personal note from the scribe: Comes Up the Rear's comment rang a little close to home, despite being absolutely obliviously hilarious. I've had a great deal of fun on the Little Sai Wan, where hashers seem to enjoy both a high quality run and the company of others without the bitterly schadenfreudisch flavor that other hash circles seem to have. I hope to see as many of you as I can on my last hare next week, and in the future, if you're ever in California, get my contact details from LSW and send me a line. Finally, I'd like to close on one last quote that Idiot Buttf*ck recalled on the ferry to my first (Free China) hash ever:
"There is one more thing... It's been emotional."