Hares - Castrato & Nurse Fcuker

Braemar Hill to Tai Koo

If this weeks' pack could be compared to a stable of race horses, the LSW hash would cover the equine gamut from Group 1 contenders to those bound for the knackery.

As Nurse Fcuker, fresh from his near-glue factory experience last week, and Castrato bantered back and forth in an effort to get their pre-run instructions just so, Master Wanker, a lean distance specialist, pawed the ground, with nostrils flaring, itching to get on with things.

Mercifully the gates finally opened and we headed up the path behind St Joan of Arc school. We older hashers prefer to drop to the back of the field early on to make sure the body is moving OK and that no muscles, tendons or limbs are about to strain, sever or detach altogether. Thus, I watched a group of frisky youngsters gamboling up ahead while listening with interest to Buttfan and Chatroom Paedophile discussing colour-blindness before concluding that CP's particular condition was most likely the result of watching too much porn.

An honest stayer if ever there was one, Bondi Barbie made a welcome return to the LSW fold. I noticed he was moving well despite being spelled and wondered if he'd taken a leaf out of Bobbledick's book and undergone a testicular augmentation procedure, with fist-sized testes and plastic shopping bag-like scrotum providing greater impetus to the legs through an auxiliary action, generating greater stride length and improved overall rating. Certainly, it was good run first up and he's definitely one to watch.

At some point I somehow blundered into the lead judging by the cobwebs I was accumulating negotiating the excellent shiggy behind Sir Cecil's Ride, which saw me in a cocoon-like state when we reached the road at the top. With Buttfan and Bondi enjoying a rails run just behind I correctly checked left then incorrectly checked right when we reached the gates at the end of the road. While negotiating my way back, the raucous sounds of a herd of hashers stampeding through the check resonated impressively through night air.

The field was now sorting itself out with perennial FRB's Master Wanker, Any Fanny'll Do, Chatroom Paedophile, Dr Evil etc… surging forward to take up prominent positions leading to the contour run along the western end of Sir Cecil's Ride.

Fifty something Dr Evil belied his years racing past me at one point like someone had set fire to his rear end before disappearing into the inky blackness (did they say new batteries?). The field tore along the trail at break neck speed, with the FRB's completing checks in very timely fashion just as I was catching up with them.

A critical moment came at the open check on Mt Parker Rd, with the trail turning left, commencing the run down toward B. Dr Evil gained a break on the pack by checking correctly and pressed home his advantage with a barn storming run and was never sighted again.

The subsequent turn down the canal leading to Kornhill created further havoc, with Any Fanny'll Do et al missing the turn off the bridge and disappearing up the Wilson trail. Meanwhile, David saw the turn and called out to me, while simultaneously stumbling down a set of stairs, doing a fetlock.

A group of Chinese walkers were also crossing the bridge and I was unaware of David's plight in the ensuing confusion. The carnage at the bridge broke up the bunch behind Dr Evil and I cantered down the canal alone till I lost trail when convinced B was in the park on King's Rd before Chatroom and Master Wanker appeared, following trail on the other side of the road.

We trotted the rest of the way back to B before the trail disappeared near the end (presumably the result of race fixers posing as overzealous cleaners) and wandered about aimlessly till we stumbled on the hares and a welcome drink.

Meanwhile, Bite 'N Suck had reportedly discovered a latent competitive streak when challenged by newcomer Mark, and strode purposefully to the finishing line in an effort to force feed him more than a little of her dust.

But the knackers were circling Inky Anus whose litany of ailments has reduced her to a shadow of her former shadow, fit only for a merry-go-round. So much necrotic tissue has now sloughed from her feet she is running on stumps, which is why her perfectly petite runners looked like clown shoes, resulting in a major hash crash before she staggered home behind the keenly competitive B 'N S and virgin Mark.

Another hasher battling chronic leg soreness is Priscilla who limped around the run like a pony hired out for kid's rides, with head bowed and spirit long broken.

However, an excellent run overall and, having finished in just under an hour, a welcome relief from last week's epic and eventful "balloon run".

DOWN DOWNS by Chatroom

Dr Evil/Brazilian Buttslap - long discussion to figure out who was going to sit next to whom at B

Bargepole - finally passed an exam after failing at the first attempt

Bargepole - exam success based on study techniques honed poolside at the Four Seasons

Fisherman's Friend and Second Coming - non-runners who chanced upon the unruly lsw mob returning from a girl's night out

Nurse Fcuker - fascinated by Bargepole's name

Buttfan - Boyfriend leaving town so back on the dating scrapheap. Thinking of turning lesbian.

American Mark - LSW virgin

Bondi Barbie - hid his highly aromatic runners under the table next to less-than-impressed Bite 'N Suck

Inky Anus - Hash crash and for finishing after Bite 'N Suck

Nurse Fcuker - for accusing co-hare Castrato of not placing flour on the trail with sufficient tenderness

Bite 'N Suck - racing on the hash! (tried to kick newcomer Mark's arse on the way home)

Bite 'N Suck - Irate hash cash after some shifty hasher paid hash cash in Malaysian ringgits rather than $HK

Inky Anus - repeat down downs (and weren't we loving it!) got lost on rambos trail, wore new clown shoes that kept making her trip over. Or were the shoes OK but the Japanese bound feet syndrome the problem?

Chatroom Paedophile/Buttfan - long discussion on the run about colour blindness led to inevitable conclusion that CP can only see in black and white due to an obsession with porn

Inky Anus - Ironically claims markings on the run were crap yet remains the only lsw hasher never to mark a check

Piss Perfect - for drawing attention to Inky's challenged check marking skills

Inky Anus/Fisherman's Friend - for endlessly discussing why Inky wasn't on FF's dragon boat crew, the Sea Gods, at on on (just because FF's crew had won recent event contested by "162 teams"

Bite 'N Suck/Nurse Fcuker - B 'N S picked up lots of cobwebs on the wimps trail thus, she was either the only wimp in the pack or NF is so short he was able to scuttle underneath them while setting the trail

Castrato - comprehensive account in write up of last week's "Balloon Run" debacle

Hopeless look-alike (Mark) - for writing and editing down downs last week in keeping with obsessive/compulsive tendencies

Nurse Fcuker - for last week's 4 hour and 9 minute performance - the longest in recent memory on an lsw hash. Also has trouble discerning male/female toilet icons

Inky Anus - asked Dr Evil, Chatroom Paedophile and Brazilian Buttslap in turn if they had a hairbrush

Sticky Sex Toy - twisting hair, hoping it will make it wavy

Hannah Montana - treated bruised toe by wedging a chunk of ice into his thong/flip flop